Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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