dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
