I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
