also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
