In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
