i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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