I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
