i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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