Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
