so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
