I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
