Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We were destined to go to rehab together
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
