i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize