just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
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