My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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