dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Found your dick twin last night
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i believe in u and ur pee
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
