My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
