sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
