You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
