Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
