Already got asked if we're dating
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize