why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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