Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
