I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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