Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
