Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
