I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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