I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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