Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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