But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
