I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
