When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
