I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize