i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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