my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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