these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize