Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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