watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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