I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
