i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
