So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
