My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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