Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
