Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
