Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
