We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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