My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
