I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
