Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize