so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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