You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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