It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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