Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
