she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize