i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
