So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
