if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
