I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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