My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have demons in me.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Randomize
