Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
