im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
and you fell through a lawn chair
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
