Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
