Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
