the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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